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[personal profile] fandomonymous
so updates from the last time i updated here:


  • I got laid again, a handful of amazing times with a person I had found back in August. the person referred to in this rough poem, in fact! ...that person is now leaving town in...under forty eight hours as of this post? ahahhahahahha auuuuuuuuuugh. it's for good reasons - he was never finding success here in NY, and he has a wonderful support structure where he's going.
  • Of course, because my life cannot help but be hilarious and awful, he's going to Florida - to Tampa, specifically, which is a place that is only filled with bad memories for me. The only things I liked about it were cultural things I couldn't get in Melbourne, all of which I can get and get much better in NYC without driving anxiety, so womp womp. I will probably manage an overnight trip there when I next go to Melbourne though, even with all of that - I feel like we were on the verge of developing something truly incredible together, and I really want to honor that.
  • I don't ever want to be the kind of person who sacrifices my lifestyle/career for relationships - I tried that already, and it failed miserably. But at the same time, I have to wonder what, if anything, is going to have to give. I once was told early in my poly-aware life that no one can love everyone they want to love, not fully the way they want to - and it is true but I hate that it is true, I hate it so much.
  • Relatedly, the always awesome [livejournal.com profile] staticxfever recently introduced me to a fantastic blog called Along Came Poly. There's a post about rituals to get past breakups that is powerful for me right now - handling losing the future you thought you were building, or fantasize about building. The Rookie post it links to is interesting too, and giving me Ideas about the very few physical tokens I have for this relationship. (He was too poor for physical gifts that weren't meals immediately consumed, which suits my minimalist brain and desire to treat people to dinners/drinks out just fine. But I do have a sample of tea that he let me have as he was moving out, and tickets and business cards from techy events we went to together.)
  • All this rational talk doesn't change my libido. I'm not going to talk about my fantasies on here - a liiiiiiiiittle too public for that, even if no one reads this - but let us just say that my subconscious mind is really harping on the fact that I really, really want to be the kind of person who has control over situations, and to know what I'm doing with the power I have.


Okay, now that's out of the way, let's talk other stuff.

  • Met my other cutie recently too, in the midst of all of this. Wonderful time, but I was a little too chickenshit/anxious to completely directly tackle the questions I should have. I got just enough reassurance to think that I want to continue down this path, but things will probably require another, deeper conversation when I'm in a clearer headspace and neither of us are exhausted/sick. (We are both often exhausted, and he is sick very often, so this is harder than it looks. But that's okay, I am not meant to be perfect at The Poly Dance about a year into it.)
  • Work wise: This One Project is nearing its end, at last at last; just in time for my performance evaluation in a few weeks. Normal monthly tasks continue to task on; I'm trying to come up with ways to make them easier given my limited toolset, and not making much progress so far, but I'll have to keep at it. I'm definitely feeling a lot more confident about work than I did a few months ago and that's neat. Still not sure what the long-term future is on this, and of course that is giving me a touch of the anxiety. (There are a lot of touches of anxiety. Hooray???)
  • Oh, I mentioned a while back a deeply attractive coworker with whom I have a strange closeness even as we dance around professionalism - that has become something Intense and Interesting in the past month or so. We're meeting regularly after work, ostensibly to study for a certification exam, but just as often to support each other emotionally through relationship bullshit and mental health trouble. We have very, very different ideals and goals, so I don't see it ever ~developing, but it's so nice to have someone accessible that feels trustworthy.
  • Move continues to go forward, go team Kawa. <3 Starting to save up for furniture now: gonna need a bed/bedframe (queen size, drawers on the bottom, real wood), a desk (ideally a corner desk that is short enough for me, but we'll have to double check if that works in the space), a chair to match the desk, and probably some kind of small dining room table and chairs. We're going to use my twin bed (white, drawers on the bottom) as a sort of daybed-like-thing in the living room, so no worries on couches. Still a lot of money. D:
  • New Gundam ep also poses interesting Questions Of Control, but that is spoilery as helllllllll to discuss so I will not. :P
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