fandomonymous (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fandomonymous) wrote2018-05-02 10:56 am
fandomonymous) wrote2018-05-02 10:56 am
A breath, released.
Florida was.
My time in Florida was incredibly validating (as the PartnerBeast put it) and integrating (as my therapist put it). It was also a little heartbreaking.
I have a comet. Seeing him was so joyful but also filled with sadness. (I'll have a more public post on my other account later on my other account about what I mean about people being comets. See linked on the definition of a comet. I'll have a more private post later with a picture and possibly also more emotional and/or explicit talk.) He will not be there forever, which is good; he is there now, and may not be able to live in New York for many years, which is hard for both of us. I remain incredibly fond of him and proud of his successes and nurtured by our connection.
Fragments of my past remain in Florida. Lots of my college friends stayed in the area and are slowly but surely building lives there that make them happy. My alma mater is still as weird and beautiful as ever, and pieces of it that mattered to me are continuing to be nurtured, which is lovely. I miss both of these things, but I am assured they will probably remain and evolve and welcome me whenever I visit. I am deeply, deeply validated in my choice to not live there now, though. (Also, having deep conversations with my monogamous and in one case child-rearing friends validates my current poly, childfree life.)
I took other fragments with me. A box dense with books, another box with things not-books, art from a local gallery, strange plushes, a strange musical instrument with which I have a history. It makes the Arena feel more complete, more like home, more mine.
Other fragments of my past were released. Another box of books and not-books was donated to a local charity before I left; a few things were simply tossed; a once-important picture was more ritualistically thrown away, along with a few pages of writing that had needed to happen. I feel better than I thought I could.
New York is.
I live down the street from a hair salon run by a pair of Chinese sisters and an all-Asian staff. The night before my flight to Florida, I went there and got the haircut and highlights I mentioned last post. (The picture with my comet will also show off my haircut better than the pics I took immediately after at the salon would.) Everyone who has seen me since has complimented the haircut, including my coworkers, my supervisors, and the Beasts. It's still a little wild for me that I made such a huge change, but also, it's *so nice*.
I came back in time for my mom's and the PartnerBeast's birthdays (which are on the same day). I did the celebrations on the days surrounding their birthday - meeting my parents at a local Malaysian place the day before, spending the weekend after with the PartnerBeast including meeting his parents for dinner.
I have a whole slate of social things this month - Bi Request and Poly Cocktails, work-sponsored and alma-mater-sponsored happy hours, my favorite bartender's pop up gallery opening, A and T's hopefully-monthly play party, Mother's Day, and at least one person who isn't PartnerBeast or my family finally visiting Kawa Arena.
Next month is three weeks in Europe - getting to know a part of my family I hadn't, exploring a little bit on my own, fulfilling some decade-old fußball related dreams, and two weeks with the PartnerBeast in strange cities. The logistical parts of the plans are falling into place. We will see what the emotional parts do.
The weather is getting better. Life is pretty damn close to what I want it to be. Is this contentment?
My time in Florida was incredibly validating (as the PartnerBeast put it) and integrating (as my therapist put it). It was also a little heartbreaking.
I have a comet. Seeing him was so joyful but also filled with sadness. (
Fragments of my past remain in Florida. Lots of my college friends stayed in the area and are slowly but surely building lives there that make them happy. My alma mater is still as weird and beautiful as ever, and pieces of it that mattered to me are continuing to be nurtured, which is lovely. I miss both of these things, but I am assured they will probably remain and evolve and welcome me whenever I visit. I am deeply, deeply validated in my choice to not live there now, though. (Also, having deep conversations with my monogamous and in one case child-rearing friends validates my current poly, childfree life.)
I took other fragments with me. A box dense with books, another box with things not-books, art from a local gallery, strange plushes, a strange musical instrument with which I have a history. It makes the Arena feel more complete, more like home, more mine.
Other fragments of my past were released. Another box of books and not-books was donated to a local charity before I left; a few things were simply tossed; a once-important picture was more ritualistically thrown away, along with a few pages of writing that had needed to happen. I feel better than I thought I could.
New York is.
I live down the street from a hair salon run by a pair of Chinese sisters and an all-Asian staff. The night before my flight to Florida, I went there and got the haircut and highlights I mentioned last post. (The picture with my comet will also show off my haircut better than the pics I took immediately after at the salon would.) Everyone who has seen me since has complimented the haircut, including my coworkers, my supervisors, and the Beasts. It's still a little wild for me that I made such a huge change, but also, it's *so nice*.
I came back in time for my mom's and the PartnerBeast's birthdays (which are on the same day). I did the celebrations on the days surrounding their birthday - meeting my parents at a local Malaysian place the day before, spending the weekend after with the PartnerBeast including meeting his parents for dinner.
I have a whole slate of social things this month - Bi Request and Poly Cocktails, work-sponsored and alma-mater-sponsored happy hours, my favorite bartender's pop up gallery opening, A and T's hopefully-monthly play party, Mother's Day, and at least one person who isn't PartnerBeast or my family finally visiting Kawa Arena.
Next month is three weeks in Europe - getting to know a part of my family I hadn't, exploring a little bit on my own, fulfilling some decade-old fußball related dreams, and two weeks with the PartnerBeast in strange cities. The logistical parts of the plans are falling into place. We will see what the emotional parts do.
The weather is getting better. Life is pretty damn close to what I want it to be. Is this contentment?