fandomonymous | {insert witticism}

My birthday weekend was a delight. People really came[0] to the birthday party/housewarming on Saturday, and gave sweet and thoughtful gifts if they felt it was appropriate, and got along and conversed and generally were lovely. PartnerBeast and I cooked some simple but delicious things that were well received. One person, H, even came all the way from Florida! (To be fair, he went to Philadelphia to visit another friend of his/acquaintance of mine for Fourth of July. BUT STILL.) I took him and the PartnerBeast to Flushing to the magical basement of Chinese food on Sunday, which has gotten some upgrades since I was a teenager, and to HappyLemon, which is the best. I worked from home Monday and went to Poly Cocktails, where I met a dude who might turn into an interesting play partner if we can manage to be at the same place at the same time again.
The World Cup continued to delight until it ended, and withdrawal was weird and hard, as if often is. I am excited for the future for Belgium and England (!), and holy crap the French are incredible. I watched the final with Andy, which was a ton of fun. <3 (I also explained my German fandom to her with "back in 2006, Germany played the way Belgium did now", which is only half true, but close enough, and entertains me looking back on it.) The first Bundesliga game for Bayern is August 24 - this is mostly a note for me, tbh - and I'll have to check into Champion's League stuff as it's happening.
FLCL Progressive is a thing? Not a fantastic anime but kind of fun and weirdly nostalgia inducing anyway despite technically being "new". (The animation in episode 5 is DELIGHTFUL, though.) THE PILLOWS CONCERT WAS DEFINITELY A THING - Adult Swim sponsored them coming to Irving Plaza, and the PartnerBeast convinced me to go instead of going to therapy, which was honestly not a bad decision. The opening acts were forgettable, and they only performed from the FLCL soundtracks (I would have been curious about their sound outside of that, they have been a band as long as I've been alive after all) but it was still pretty wonderful. I'd never done the rock show thing, and despite it being brutal on my knees to stand and jump around for hours (including the line to get in and to coat check out) it was totally intense and worth it. It was also worth it for the sake of the PartnerBeast, who has a more immediate emotional connection to their music than I do, and sharing in that was remarkably intimate for a floor packed with people.
Steins;Gate 0 continues to be a thing, too, oh boy oh boy. It's weird not knowing how it will go despite knowing how it is supposed to end!
I went to New Jersey to beaches a whole bunch this month, which is weird. New Jersey is hard to get to and not a place I like that much, and yet, here we are. I went to Sandy Hook with Bi Request, which was not as great as it could have been - it's just not a great beach, I was late after watching the World Cup third place match in the morning, and my biases against the Atlantic Ocean as a beach front continue to exist. Also I lost my glasses because I was an idiot, though that gave me an excuse to get new ones.[1] Then a week later, I went to a lake the Beasts have access to, which was decent but we didn't stay long. I've been less leery lately of doing things with the Beasts, which is an interesting development. We're going to Queens Night Market next month, which is great because it's a thing I love and care about very much, but taking the Beasts there only a few weeks after the lake day is strange.
Stuff's been a bit hard lately emotionally, and it's difficult to tell what the source is. My best guesses are:
- This is a lot of stuff! I'm not used to being quite so socially busy. It's mostly good, but it means some recovery time is leaking into "not sleeping, but taking time to be lazy" and "being lazy at work", neither of which are healthy.
- Gender is bullshit. I'm spending a lot more time staring at my closet and drawers going "what gender do I feel like presenting today, and is it compatible with the weather?" This is rough when I have to dress somewhat professionally and it's hot (which would default to skirts/dresses, but I don't feel that femme sometimes, blah.) I know presentation is separate from internal identity but still, shit's hard. I do like the pragmatism that binders afford - i.e. fitting better into button down shirts - but they make my shoulders ache and they're hot. I will confess to wearing boxer briefs under skirts/dresses though, which basically eliminates chub rub concerns and is GREAT.
- Nostalgia is a thing that exists. I spent a lot of time this month also reconnecting with Florida folks, both H and others, and sorting through the good and bad of those memories is hard. Also, right now is a difficult and painful time for some folks from that time in my life - a pair of friends I know breaking up after many years together (and moving to Boston together a few years ago!), a few trans* acquaintances/friends trying to figure out how to safely transition. (Which ties right back into the "gender is bullshit" bit!)
- Alcohol is a thing that exists, and I got gifted a lot of it at the party. Usually I do not keep much alcohol in the house because I know I will drink it if it's easily available. This...yeaaaaaaaah. I'm trying to tamp down but it's not easy, especially since it's mostly stuff I like in the house, and there's no easy way to give away the stuff I don't like.
- Work itself has been a bit of a struggle. A project I thought I'd be working on was handed to someone else instead, which stung. A lot of things have been delayed that is making me irritable. I am procrastinating heavily on a really tedious piece. None of these are good. :/
- Physical health stuff in general has been problematic. This might be "effect, not cause", but it's been hard for me to feel motivated to walk as much as I'd want, I've had more back pain, and my chronic skin problem has been flaring. The eye exam I had to replace my glasses revealed that I might be at risk for developing glaucoma, too, ugh.
So what now? I'm tackling as much of this as I can in August - I'm signed up for a clinical trial on a dermatology drug, as well as found a dermatologist in my network that could be more generally promising. I'm getting a second opinion on the glaucoma thing. I have a few parties I'm going to in August in Brooklyn but as of right now no other major obligations, including uh, exactly none in New Jersey. The gender stuff, alcohol stuff, and the friend/nostalgia stuff will shake out over time...hopefully. >.> I also dropped off Habitica and want to get back into it, focusing on things like being more hydrated, better sleep hygiene, and walking more, but we'll see.
Of course, September and October I'm all booked up for travel - mid-September for rax's wedding and to see those Boston friends after The Crap That Happened, early October for Roguelike Celebration (where I'll be giving a Lightning Talk about the various ways roguelikes present death!) The fact that I have time off for this (and then still some left over for November/December holiday stuff if need be!) is CRAZY to me, but such is life.

footnotes:

[0] This is more surprising than it should be, but seriously, me being emotionally invested in a thing happening and then others dropping out last minute is a tragically common occurrence in my life. Of the folks who are regularly part of my life in New York, I think the only person who *hasn't* done it is the PartnerBeast. I don't know if there's more I can do about this other than maybe "get more stable friends and play partners", but the weird part is, I don't doubt that (most of) the ones who have done this really do mean it when they say "oh shit, something happened", and I don't think they don't care about me.
[1] I finally gave in and used the excuse to get Warby Parkers, specifically these. They're nice, and distinctly less femme in comparison to my old frames. I don't know if backing venture capitalist nonsense is that much better than buying Luxottica, but eh, it'll do, and I'll probably spend some of my health flexible spending account leftovers at the end of the year on trying a bunch of frame styles from Zenni or something. (And then spend next year's eyecare credit on contacts, maybe? Who knows.)