fandomonymous | sigh forever

This fucking month.

While we always knew a certain person of high status in BiRequest had [risky kink], we did not necessarily know about [questionable ways person executed kink], including online comments (admittedly on forums dedicated to the kink) about malleability of consent regarding getting people to lower their inhibitions about that kink. This squicked a *lot* of people. The way this information got into the community squicked other people. Tensions were high and as an admittedly relatively high status regular I was caught in the crossfire.
Tragically, Alison was one of the people on the side of "what you're doing is kinkshaming my friend and possibly ruining our community" and not doing a good job of listening to people who felt like they were victims of a form of sexual harassment. Combined with general incompatibilities that seem obvious in retrospect, I felt I was rapidly losing my ability to cope, to view the relationship as a spoon-gaining instead of spoon-losing exercise. (I had a whole list here of those general incompatibilities, but it feels petty, even though writing it out puts in stark relief how serious it was. Ask me privately about it if you want to hear me vent, I guess.) And so, I dumped her. As cleanly and as honestly as I could - waited about a week from the first serious inkling to see if the feeling changed and to do it in person, brought everything she'd been keeping at my place, took my leave as soon as she asked.
This all means that while I have a door open to attend BiReq and related activities in the future, I'm on indefinite hiatus. This is honestly really freeing. My plan at this point is basically to only show up if the Queens variant gets off the ground or if I decide for some reason I *really* need it, but that's not now. I've never been as enthusiastic about Bisexual Awareness Week stuff, so missing out on it feels like water off my back; but we'll see how I feel in the spring for the next St. Pat's for All/Pride season. (Though I can always march with work, anyway, and have been meaning to do so for my current employer, particularly given certain advances in queer culture I've been championing at the office.)
I am admittedly occasionally questioning my bisexuality a bit post-breakup - I might actually be heteromantic but bisexual, which I get logically is valid but also just makes me feel gross, for some reason. It could also be that I really have yet to find not-cis-dudes I'm romantically compatible with, which is kinda likely given my history, but also a thing that makes me grimace. One of my comets once half-joked that he could see me eventually deciding that I was too busy to be poly, and that's also rattling in my head. (I'm not going to look it up now, but there's an Oh Joy, Sex Toy guest comic - I wanna say from Danielle Corsetto - about her history of basically this idea, and I have stared at it about a dozen times in the last two weeks.) I dunno. Shit's hard.
It's also that "cavalry-work" with the PartnerBeast has been really really really difficult. It's a lot of emotional energy to be putting into one relationship to fix specific things. The work and energy spending has been somewhat rewarding, but involving poking at old issues - emotional bruises, that don't hurt unless you poke at them, then sear when you do. More on this privately if you ask, too?
I spent a surprising amount of time with both PartnerBeast's parents (for an honestly terrible extremely overpriced meal) and my own (visiting for the weekend for a family friend's wedding, much better food, much more awkward conversation). They're not super remarkable beyond how spoon-draining they were on top of everything else.
I read Mostly Dead Things by Kristin Arnett, which is in that genre of "white trash angst literary fiction" epitomized by Faulkner, but this time it's more modern and queer and remarkably accurate to lower-class central Florida. As someone solidly middle class not-white-but-also-not-black central Florida, it was a weird reflection of things that had been at the edges of my vision in my years there. A part of me hated it, but I also couldn't put it down, so take that as it is.
I did some upgrades to my aesthetic/appearance, getting new glasses and chopping a bunch of hair off again. (It's a lot like the haircut I got April 2018, but the red is more subtle/less streaky and I didn't get bangs.) I'm pretty happy with it, though the hair sometimes flips the 'wrong' way and I can't figure out why.
I've been working really hard on learning Tagalog. PartnerBeast found me a couple of active Filipino Discord servers, including one at my sweet spot of activity focused on language learning, so that's been nice. It's been great getting specific things cleared up from actual native speakers who are in my generation!
I booked my trip to the West Coast for this year, September 25-October 8, one week each in Seattle and San Francisco, all flights Alaska Airlines, all lodging AirBNB. The San Francisco host is Filipina and speaks Tagalog; I introduced myself awkwardly in both languages and she only replied in English, which OH WELL. I've done some but not enough research for my RogueCel talk, but mostly I'm just looking forward to having a Real Vacation. I'm hoping to balance thoroughly exploring these cities - Seattle for the first time! - and time to relax away from the responsibilities of my day to day life.
I invested in a bunch of stuff for an old film SLR camera my parents gave me when they moved in the spring - film, batteries, a bag for it, cleaning supplies, a small tripod. I've shot a few rolls but haven't developed any of them yet - more on that as it goes. I did some black and white photography, including doing my own developing, at the fancy private middle school I went to, but nothing since - it's nice to get back into it, and I'm looking forward to doing a lot of photo walks on my West Coast trip.
My Dragon Age: Origins playthrough is going well, for all the no people who care about that. I'm almost at the Landsmeet and have some really serious decisions to make. It's been interestingly freeing to not try to 100% things, to let some side quests just fall to the wayside. (Though I am trying to do every not-Dog companion quest, at least, because the companion interaction is the most interesting part of the game for me. I think I only have Zevran's left, and Wynne's is too bugged for me to complete, but I'll have to check my save later and see if I can fix the latter.) ...and now I am thinking of the really indulgent fanfic a version of me with more free time would write. (For the record, it's Alistair/F!Cousland/Leliana V-turned-triad, as my Warden seems to be brushing against the possibility of romancing them both, and they both seem so *curious* about how the other is on an intimate level...) I should see if it exists on the AO3 or the kinkmeme, hmm.
In the midst of all of this, work is...quite a lot, honestly. There's a major transition that's going to be happening while I'm gone and the prep for it is pretty intense. I wish I was more on my game at the office, sharper and more aware, but as you can see, the rest of my life has been pretty punishing so it's been hard. I'm hoping it gets better soon.