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doing okay.
Dec. 14th, 2015 09:26 pmbut not great. despite everything.
I'll have badass, everything-happening-all-at-once days at work, followed by days of sluggish pacing and excessive snippiness to coworkers and awkward moments with supervisors. I'll have days where I'm interacting deeply with friends and lovers, followed by weekends of hiding under the blankets and not existing to the world. I'll have days where chores get done and routines are set and days that I fall off the wagon. I'll be totally on the ball on some tasks and horrifyingly behind on others. I'll write hundreds of words for Yuletide one day then completely ignore the fact that it's due next week for the next few. (I'm so close to done, it's ridiculous. I really should just power through, but ugh.) My libido comes and goes too, which is not fun.
And a lot of it makes me want to drink, and I don't like the fact that I have that thought. I really enjoy drinking with others, I really enjoy various boozy things both in terms of flavor and process-to-acquire, but I never want it to be a crutch, a reward for putting up with shit. I want to never want to drink alone, if that makes sense, but I'm not succeeding at that necessarily.
And occasionally, I'll have a really terrible intrusive thought, too, and that's also really deeply upsetting.
But structurally I'm doing so much better than I've ever done before - I have friends and lovers and a job that doesn't suck and I live in a city I love love love where I never have to drive and I'm surrounded by all kinds of human beings. I miss a lot of specific people, and I'm still aching to get to the point where I live on my own away from my parents, but (for the most part) I'm working on those goals, I'm putting in the effort and I know I'll see the rewards.
And I'm not having the symptoms of burnout I used to, or at least not to the same degree; I'm getting lots of tasks done (though there are some balls I have conspicuously dropped in the juggle, it's more successful than it once was).
And yet.
I'll have badass, everything-happening-all-at-once days at work, followed by days of sluggish pacing and excessive snippiness to coworkers and awkward moments with supervisors. I'll have days where I'm interacting deeply with friends and lovers, followed by weekends of hiding under the blankets and not existing to the world. I'll have days where chores get done and routines are set and days that I fall off the wagon. I'll be totally on the ball on some tasks and horrifyingly behind on others. I'll write hundreds of words for Yuletide one day then completely ignore the fact that it's due next week for the next few. (I'm so close to done, it's ridiculous. I really should just power through, but ugh.) My libido comes and goes too, which is not fun.
And a lot of it makes me want to drink, and I don't like the fact that I have that thought. I really enjoy drinking with others, I really enjoy various boozy things both in terms of flavor and process-to-acquire, but I never want it to be a crutch, a reward for putting up with shit. I want to never want to drink alone, if that makes sense, but I'm not succeeding at that necessarily.
And occasionally, I'll have a really terrible intrusive thought, too, and that's also really deeply upsetting.
But structurally I'm doing so much better than I've ever done before - I have friends and lovers and a job that doesn't suck and I live in a city I love love love where I never have to drive and I'm surrounded by all kinds of human beings. I miss a lot of specific people, and I'm still aching to get to the point where I live on my own away from my parents, but (for the most part) I'm working on those goals, I'm putting in the effort and I know I'll see the rewards.
And I'm not having the symptoms of burnout I used to, or at least not to the same degree; I'm getting lots of tasks done (though there are some balls I have conspicuously dropped in the juggle, it's more successful than it once was).
And yet.