fandomonymous

I finished revising my resume yesterday and updated both my LinkedIn and Indeed profiles. I have to say I'm pleased with the updates, but I also recognize that this will likely be a perpetual work in progress until I get hired. What I'd like is to tweak my resume to specific positions in Obsidian and then convert them to PDFs -- but that would require some significant formatting. It would be a good project to learn Obsidian actually -- and it would be nice to keep my application materials in the same vault. 

Right now, the Job Tracker is in Google Drive and my resumes are kinda scattered over a few different locations. I've been wanting to make Obsidian my digital "Bullet Journal" for a while now, and this would be a good way to increase the buy-in, so to speak. Moving my Job Tracker to Obsidian might be a little trickier, since I'm not sure it's well set-up for spreadsheets. It *would* be nice to have a spreadsheet alternative, come to think of it. With Microsoft moving Office to a subscription-only plan stuffed with AI, I've been trying to use those products as little as possible. Excel is the only app, I think, that doesn't really have a solid replacement. 

I went on a bit of a job application spree yesterday, turning in...I've lost track of how many through Indeed and LinkedIn. Some of them feel like more serious opportunities than others, but we'll see how they turn up. Between inputting all the data I've generated yesterday and catching up on the rejections I've seen come through my inbox, I'll be a bit busy this week on the job-hunting front. 

I'm finding that instead of trying to split my time amongst a few different priorities, it's nicer to devote significant chunks of time to a single task. Yesterday was basically all working on the resume, the profiles, and job applications -- with a bit of video gaming in between -- and it was the most effortlessly productive I've felt in a long time. Thinking about devoting today to Project Hobbit also feels right; I could watch a few things while doing laundry, put some time in with the vacuum upstairs and on the landing, finally clean up Biscuit's area in the closet, and maybe even give our master bathroom a decent scrub and mop. This evening there would be clean, folded clothes, a much cleaner carpet, a less-chaotic closet, and a cleaner shower and bathroom to end the day in. 

Moving forward, I'd like to see if I could chop my day up into four sections: job hunting, self-investment/freelancing, housework, reading. That would give me a decent two hours for each pod, or, if I'm doing the Pomodoro Technique, 3 Pomodoros. 

So: that means I'd have 15 Pomodoros each week for job hunting, side-hustle, a household project, and reading. That feels like more than enough time to make significant progress on a measurable goal each week. For example, if I know I can write about 1,500 words in a 3-pomodoro pod, it feels reasonable to estimate a consistent output of 5,000 publishable words per week, right? That's a 2,500-word serialized episode for the Patreon and maybe something for a portfolio, a LinkedIn post, anything. All that's missing is the intention. 

So I'll try a short flight of this starting...today, why not. Start with job-hunting (to get my Job Tracker up to date, update my Monster profile perhaps, and see what I can do to get more organized in Obsidian), break for lunch, then cleaning for the 2nd pod, reading for the 3rd pod. Tomorrow, job-hunting and side-hustle in the morning, hobbiting and reading (or writing) in the afternoon. 

It feels like a solid schedule, but we'll see how it survives in practice.

Husboo is having a mood crash this week. From my perspective, it looks like dissatisfaction in a number of areas has overwhelmed his ability to cope with them. Who could blame him? It's very hard to look at the state of the world and feel like there's much you can do to improve your lot. Some days it feels like all we can do is stall the sinking as much as we can. 

I think I'm getting by through focusing on the people in the boat with me. I know they have my back, and I'm eternally grateful for that -- and I want to have their back in the ways they need in return. I'm trying to sit back and observe instead of rushing in with the thing that dislodges *my* discomfort with their troubles. When I identify a way I can make life easier for them, I try to take it with as little fuss as possible. I mean, that's the dream. There's still a LOT of sitting with discomfort and fighting with impulse I have to do. But I'm hoping that just...being open and accepting is some calming influence, even though I'm fighting through my own battles. 

There've been a few curveballs I'll need to roll with. Instead of a lump-sum payment for my severance, it looks like I'll be getting biweekly checks until Dec 24, as if I've been working 80 hours until then. I really thought I had read my severance agreement more closely. 

It's not the worst thing, to be honest -- I'm sure I'll pay less in taxes that way and it gives me some amount of stability until the end of the year. By then, unemployment will have kicked in and I should be in somewhat decent shape after that for another month or two if I really need to stretch it that far. 

I'm hoping it won't come to that, obviously. It's taking a bit longer to figure out my own swing, but that's OK. I've got the time. I'd really like to have *some* side hustle up and running before the end of the month, though -- preferably two. I think I can manage the Jackalope Serial Company, but I'll need to start networking with the Furry Writers' Guild and building an online presence for anything else. It would be a nice excuse to build dedicated reading into my day. 

I've finished the first draft of my resume and already gotten valuable feedback from a friend in HR. I thought I did a pretty good job making my recent job experiences more attractive, but I'll have to go through and tweak it a bit more to be immediately punchy. The big issue there is I'm just not sure how to translate my effectiveness into raw numbers. You'd think after all this time having that lesson drilled into me I'd have a lot more practice with that, but here we are. 

I'll take another pass at it once I've gotten the game to a "good enough" state and see what I can do. Once I've edited it, I'll send it to four or five more people to see what they think, then go through all of my job-search sites to update things. At least on LinkedIn, I'd really like to cultivate some kind of presence there -- maybe a more-cultivated feed to shape the spaces I'm engaging with and be a bit more active with the networking aspect. 

So much of this is relationship-building, finding the people you vibe with, encouraging what they want to do, and helping out where you can. Then, the more people think of you as helpful and competent, the more they'll think of you for opportunities. It sounds fairly transactional when you put it that way, but it doesn't have to be if you come to it with the right attitude.

At this stage in my life, I really want to invest in people who share a vision for how we all get along moving forward. I want to be in people's corner, show up when it really matters, and have those people show up for me. I'm tired of throwing my energy into relationships that are only as ephemeral as my job, you know?

It might be a bit naive to think LinkedIn can be a place where I can cultivate genuine professional relationships, but that's what I'm going for. 

In general, it feels like the Internet has become this mechanism for thoughtless and endless consumption. Everything has been reduced down to content laser-targeted to grab our attention, stoke our emotions, and induct ourselves into the evangelical wing for whoever gave us such nummy brainrot. More and more it feels like nothing's designed to give us time to sit with things, and that's a bummer. I want more of my Internet experience to be a thoughtful, amiable vibe. Not hurried conversations on our way to the next topic-of-the-day. 

That's why I keep coming back to Dreamwidth, even if I can never build a consistent habit. It's the internet I want to inhabit. 

Another day, another somewhat baffled accounting of where the time went and what I did with it. I suppose I shouldn't be too upset that the days feel short and confusing. With the ending of DST, my sense of time is bound to be a little shaky for a while. 

I got a late start in the morning, admittedly. Worked on updating my resume most of the day, which was a gratifying exercise. I wanted to be more clear and concise summarizing the job duties, while also expanding on my job transitions at two companies. I tried to look up other job openings with the same titles to tease the language closer to what I'm seeing out there, and organizing information in a way that makes it easier for scrapers to pick up and parse. It's still not done -- right now, everything is still in Obsidian -- but the "experience" portion is finished and now I'm onto shaping my Skills section.

With Skills, I think I want a collection of about 12 areas that I can swap out at any time to fit the needs of the specific job. On the resume, I'll have the most relevant three areas along with examples that most closely match what I see on the job description. Hopefully, that buys me a little bit more pull with the ATS and increases my chances of getting an interview. 

I'm also thinking about refreshing my profiles on LinkedIn, Indeed, Monster, and other places. I'm hoping the more intentional, targeted language will help the algorithm find closer matches for me -- or at least stop sending me the same low-tier crap openings I've been getting. 

Then again, maybe that's all they're being paid to show.

We switched meal services from Blue Apron to Marleyspoon (from Martha Stewart!), and the cooking style is so different I'm still adapting to it. Right now I have to admit I'm not being very efficient. Yesterday's chicken saltimbocca took 90 minutes(!!) to complete and the results were...only OK. It's a heavy meal that uses a lot of butter, but I would have liked more flavor in the roasted potatoes and broccolini. The saltimbocca itself was fun to make, and I now know how to toast pine nuts and fry sage leaves! But if I had to do it over again, I think I'd let the ingredients rest away from the drained fat instead of in it. You could really taste the butter on everything, and it left you with a greasy feeling. 

So far Marleyspoon has been hit or miss. Blue Apron definitely wins out on spices and flavoring; with most Marleyspoon recipes, the results tend to be rather bland. However, the ingredients are a LOT better (if smaller) and it's been nice learning a different style. Where Blue Apron typically provided more of the base ingredients like butter, flour, or vinegar, Marleyspoon expects you to have that kind of thing on-hand -- so it's been neat training on how to keep a better-stocked pantry. 

And when the recipes hit, they really hit. I went with this service because it had the most "exotic" options on the menu, including a lot of West African-inspired dishes I hadn't seen anywhere else. And man...the jollof rice I made the other day was a true highlight. 

Marleyspoon also has a much better "random add-ons" menu, so there's that. When I get my diet in better shape, I could see myself picking up a "meal shortcut kit" or two as a quick-and-easy lunch option sometime. 

Husboo and I watched Death Note as we ate our lunch. I think we slipped into Season 2 somehow without knowing it; Netflix has grouped it into one long series of 38 episodes, and we're...approaching episode 20 by now. We did note how the "status quo" shifted quite a bit in a couple of episodes; locations were changed, alliances shifted, and the whole investigation pivoted to chase different suspects. Now it feels like the show is still settling into its "new normal", though it also kinda prides itself on not "having" a normal setting because both Ryu and Light are treating the investigation like a true chess match. As pieces are removed from the board and gambits are played and predicted, the game state is consistently evolving.

I like the rather unsentimental way it goes through its plot. You get just enough time with a situation to get a sense for the tableau before something comes along to shift it, add to it, or drastically rearrange it. And once that happens, the show you liked is forever gone but you have a new show now that's interesting, intriguing, and just as ephemeral as its previous incarnation.

It's the kind of thing that happened with LOST and The Leftovers every season, and rare shows like The Good Place every few episodes. I like that the show...has so many elements colliding with one another, you never know what the catalyst will be for the next evolution. It could come from Light or Ryu activating the next stage of their plan -- or someone else in their orbit throwing a wild card into the mix. 

It's...a show of its time, so it can be kinda cheesy in certain ways. But that only adds to its charm. It's an engaging cat-and-mouse game, almost like an extended Sherlock Holmes vs. Moriarty mystery with supernatural elements thrown in for good measure. I'm not sure if or how it will stick the landing, but for now it's a good time!

After lunch, more resume work and then into therapy. We talked about my starting the Grief Recovery Handbook and my initial thoughts on it, and that spun off into a wider-ranging conversation about all the complicated feelings I have about my mom and sister. On one hand, my mom is this terrible person who abused me for most of my childhood, disowned me when I came out to her after saying things that have fucked me up to this day, and ultimately cost me like....$10,000 over five years with her nursing home and funeral expenses. All without leaving me as a beneficiary on the life insurance she *also* had me paying for, for years. 

But on the other hand, she made so many sacrifices for me and my sister; would go out of her way to help the people she cared about; and cooked like no one else. When I went back to Baltimore for the funeral and got to see what she meant to the extended family, I had this chance to see this whole other side of her. No one would claim she was easy to get along with, but everyone had a story about this extraordinary act of kindness or generosity she extended when they really needed it. 

If I had gotten to know that woman, I think we would have gotten along. And talking through it, I realized that's a big part of the grief for me -- that any potential I had for a good relationship with my Mom is gone forever, and all I have are these terrible, traumatic memories. 

And it's not just that one thing. It's also reckoning with being adopted, and knowing my adopted mom was mentally ill, and accepting that illness has seeped into every corner of our family tree. It's the alcoholism of my adopted dad, and his disappearance, and my mental issues making it impossible for me to connect with other people in certain ways. It's being Black in this goddamned country and internalizing all the racism until the only way you can see yourself is as a lesser being. It's...living with people who have the expectation of support and comfort, who don't automatically think every setback is the end of the world. It feels like I've reached a point where new trauma echoes old trauma -- and I'm in a community of people who can't relate to that at all. 

I wish I weren't so much to wrangle, all the time. And I wish I didn't have these distorted thoughts rolling through my head on the regular. But here we are, in therapy. Talking about them helps, of course. But some days, I wish I could just put all this shit down already.

Still, we just go through this one bite at a time I suppose. So first, gainful employment and self-rediscovery. Then, profit.