at the knife point
Nov. 30th, 2019 12:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fandomonymouscw: death, vermin. These aren't the only calamities, but probably the ones I should warn for.
November beat me the fuck up, not gonna lie, and that's *with* a vacation in the middle.
My great-uncle, the widower of my great-aunt who died in January, died at the start of the month. The logistics of attending the funeral were way easier this time, at least. It turns out a friend of that family lives just down the street from me and owns a car, so my mom got them to drive me to and from Pennsylvania, much better than hauling to Port Authority for the buses. Plus this time I was told not to get an AirBNB, and stayed in a nearby hotel - I even ended up getting a room to myself, and the hotel was next to a Waffle House, so I did that solo for breakfast, which was great. My parents drove up from Florida too, so I wasn't alone in that sense, either. I was working harder on being social with my family of origin, which is *whoof* level hard, but hey, I did my best.
Work was quite a lot too - some miscommunication in expectations, some last minute changes in requirements, one notable case of being blindsided by arrogant doctors and striking back WITH GREAT STATISTICAL RIGOR. I think if everything else is going as "normal", having more work actually feels better than less - the problem is, it never feels normal, least of all now.
About a week before my Florida trip, I figured out that the recent itching and welts on my arms and legs was not just my eczema being a new kind of jerkwad but out and out bedbugs. I fled to the PartnerBeast's place, which is where I've mostly been living when not in Florida, and it's...tenuous. He's doing his best, though, and well, it's better than the current state of my home, but it's NOT HOME, and that's been tripping me miserably lately. Having vermin kick me out of the home I fought so hard to get has been pretty fucking awful - I'm really angry and bitter and exhausted. The first treatment happened while I was in Florida; the second should be sometime next week; I am VERY READY to go home, oh my god.
Florida itself was...strange? Lovely? I spent a lot of time out for meals with friends old and new, and helping my parents with random small tasks. There's an uncanny valley, of going back to a place changing at irregular intervals (including the house itself, which my parents have been redecorating/rearranging with gusto). The weather is such a delight, and just...I want to be there for my friends; I want to help young people there, including my friends' children, realize there's more to the world than homophobic evangelical 'Christians' and defense contractor warhawks; I'd save so much money being there, I'd probably be able to buy a house on my own merit; I may even want to be there just in case something awful happens to my parents. But also good God I should not live in Florida. But it's hard, staring down the funhouse mirror of the life I could have lived, the life I still could live if I really wanted it.
I also, like an idiot, dropped my phone into a (clean, but still) toilet bowl (briefly, but still). I'm currently using a phone my mom had been using as a tablet, which currently can't take photos and has terrible battery life. I thought I'd have a new phone today, but turns out AT&T's installment plans are ripoffs (since you don't technically own the phone, they're not legally obligated to unlock them, which is kinda problematic given that I plan to go to the Philippines in a few months). So now I wait until Wednesday or Thursday for my phone to come in.
So yeah. Ugh.
Some nice things:
Dessa's new album, a live recording of her with a FULL ORCHESTRA, is a delight, and (as always) so was seeing her in person at The Greene Space.
It is the season of holiday markets and peppermint mochas and twinkly lights. I hope I can live at home in time to make rumballs and watch my parol while drinking hot chocolate. Small dreams.
My parents were *remarkably* chill this time. Florida and the distance has mellowed them out in a really pleasant way.
Smithfield Hall for Klassiker weekend was a GODDAMN DELIGHT and there's a holiday party for the fanclub soon, which should be fun!
I finished my Tagalog classes. I'm...not sure how much I learned? A decent bit, but missing some vital classes in the middle really hurt, as did the slapdash nature of much of it. But I'll get better with practice, I'm sure.
I helped a friend find a Friendsgiving he clicked well with, which is neat.
I replaced my mediocre canvas backpack with a literal hole in it with the Everlane Renew Backpack, which is doing pretty well so far!
Besides the new phone, I'm finally picking up my very boring but hopefully eternally lasting dream boots soon (Red Wing 6" Chelseas, in either black or the brown not-suede).
A friend has an art show soon, which should be exciting!
Okay. Enough. Time for bed. <3
November beat me the fuck up, not gonna lie, and that's *with* a vacation in the middle.
My great-uncle, the widower of my great-aunt who died in January, died at the start of the month. The logistics of attending the funeral were way easier this time, at least. It turns out a friend of that family lives just down the street from me and owns a car, so my mom got them to drive me to and from Pennsylvania, much better than hauling to Port Authority for the buses. Plus this time I was told not to get an AirBNB, and stayed in a nearby hotel - I even ended up getting a room to myself, and the hotel was next to a Waffle House, so I did that solo for breakfast, which was great. My parents drove up from Florida too, so I wasn't alone in that sense, either. I was working harder on being social with my family of origin, which is *whoof* level hard, but hey, I did my best.
Work was quite a lot too - some miscommunication in expectations, some last minute changes in requirements, one notable case of being blindsided by arrogant doctors and striking back WITH GREAT STATISTICAL RIGOR. I think if everything else is going as "normal", having more work actually feels better than less - the problem is, it never feels normal, least of all now.
About a week before my Florida trip, I figured out that the recent itching and welts on my arms and legs was not just my eczema being a new kind of jerkwad but out and out bedbugs. I fled to the PartnerBeast's place, which is where I've mostly been living when not in Florida, and it's...tenuous. He's doing his best, though, and well, it's better than the current state of my home, but it's NOT HOME, and that's been tripping me miserably lately. Having vermin kick me out of the home I fought so hard to get has been pretty fucking awful - I'm really angry and bitter and exhausted. The first treatment happened while I was in Florida; the second should be sometime next week; I am VERY READY to go home, oh my god.
Florida itself was...strange? Lovely? I spent a lot of time out for meals with friends old and new, and helping my parents with random small tasks. There's an uncanny valley, of going back to a place changing at irregular intervals (including the house itself, which my parents have been redecorating/rearranging with gusto). The weather is such a delight, and just...I want to be there for my friends; I want to help young people there, including my friends' children, realize there's more to the world than homophobic evangelical 'Christians' and defense contractor warhawks; I'd save so much money being there, I'd probably be able to buy a house on my own merit; I may even want to be there just in case something awful happens to my parents. But also good God I should not live in Florida. But it's hard, staring down the funhouse mirror of the life I could have lived, the life I still could live if I really wanted it.
I also, like an idiot, dropped my phone into a (clean, but still) toilet bowl (briefly, but still). I'm currently using a phone my mom had been using as a tablet, which currently can't take photos and has terrible battery life. I thought I'd have a new phone today, but turns out AT&T's installment plans are ripoffs (since you don't technically own the phone, they're not legally obligated to unlock them, which is kinda problematic given that I plan to go to the Philippines in a few months). So now I wait until Wednesday or Thursday for my phone to come in.
So yeah. Ugh.
Some nice things:
Dessa's new album, a live recording of her with a FULL ORCHESTRA, is a delight, and (as always) so was seeing her in person at The Greene Space.
It is the season of holiday markets and peppermint mochas and twinkly lights. I hope I can live at home in time to make rumballs and watch my parol while drinking hot chocolate. Small dreams.
My parents were *remarkably* chill this time. Florida and the distance has mellowed them out in a really pleasant way.
Smithfield Hall for Klassiker weekend was a GODDAMN DELIGHT and there's a holiday party for the fanclub soon, which should be fun!
I finished my Tagalog classes. I'm...not sure how much I learned? A decent bit, but missing some vital classes in the middle really hurt, as did the slapdash nature of much of it. But I'll get better with practice, I'm sure.
I helped a friend find a Friendsgiving he clicked well with, which is neat.
I replaced my mediocre canvas backpack with a literal hole in it with the Everlane Renew Backpack, which is doing pretty well so far!
Besides the new phone, I'm finally picking up my very boring but hopefully eternally lasting dream boots soon (Red Wing 6" Chelseas, in either black or the brown not-suede).
A friend has an art show soon, which should be exciting!
Okay. Enough. Time for bed. <3