the present, the future
Oct. 2nd, 2021 01:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fandomonymousI know, I know, I disappeared.
A lot happened.
the return to office happened, then accelerated - I'm now in full time, have been for the last few weeks. i am definitely not having a GREAT time with it but i'm not having a BAD time with it either? some of the thoughts from siderea's latest big post about the lifestyle of "participating in the tapestry of urban life" being both ridiculous in our hyper-modern world and simultaneously romantic and aesthetically pleasing that mirrors things in my head. like yes, it's dumb that i spend something on the order of ten to fifteen hours a week hauling ass and griping about the subway, but also - there's beauty and serendipity from what these forced inconveniences make us do and see. the forced sunlight is probably good for me - and hell, the forced walk in the rain probably is too, in the sense of physically moving my body, in the confrontation of a world where everything doesn't work immediately. i don't know, i don't know.
i broke up with the once PartnerBeast mid-June. It has, for me, been overwhelmingly the right decision. There's still grief there, at the edges of my vision, tied up in my understanding of art and what I do with my weekends and what I'm attracted to and what I want to learn about the world - but also, releasing myself from that anchor has let me float over my world, see what i've learned in these five years, see what the new pathways are, and also just. see myself on the ground, grounded in the moment as best i can in a ridiculous time, taking care of myself with the tools he'd given me. i hope he and i can be friends, at least a bit. i think we're getting there.
Harriet visited for a month, then a month and a half later I went to visit *her* - Americans are finally allowed across the border! A lot of this was really satisfying, a lot of this was really really strange - I hadn't left the United States since my 2018 Europe trip, and I hadn't been on a plane since the very very start of the pandemic. I met her family, I saw bits of how she grew up that are so wildly different from my life, I unironically searched for toonies in my pockets to ride a bus up a mountain - i dunno. this maybe should be its own entry. we also have had some really intense talks about the future, about things we want to do and work on as a couple, and well. yeah, there's a lot to do, but in a way that might be thrilling and joyful and yet also a relief.
it's almost Roguelike Celebration - it both feels like there's so much to do and also that nothing i do will help, which is very strange. having to do dayjob/commute stuff alongside it has been really difficult for me, but also again, we're more prepared and have more staff, so i don't think we're actively *struggling*. i'm going back to Alberta to spend the conference in-person with Harriet despite the conference being virtual, which I think will be good, as the con itself is such an emotional thing for us both. it comes with logistical challenges but hey, worth it.
yet another thing that siderea post has me thinking about is that strange feeling after achieving something large - I felt it when I released the game version of *Sweeter Kind of Fire* after several months of steady labor, and I think I've felt it after every Celebration. That there is a loss entangled in achieving a goal, that ending a story in a victory leave a void. "The other way, of course, that dreams end is by coming true."
i've deliberately left my post-Celebration life 60% "we'll see what happens", much like I deliberately left my post-breakup-with-ex-Beast life 90% "we'll see what happens". the post-Ecologist breakup was much more like "I want to try this completely separate life instead". I think I like a lot of my current life, but also, man who knows? Let's find out.
So what's outside of those percentages?
I have a job interview for a part-time/consulting-ish gig I think I could seriously excel in given the chance, that would open doors into really strange and wonderful things. In general, if I can get to a point of having my health insurance and rent paid for without going into an office, I think I will push for that, but I haven't really delved deep into specific applications other than this part time thing.
I'm going to the occasional play party with a polycule I'm adjacent to, and occasionally doing random interesting things alone or with friends where I maybe could meet new people, but not opening up any Dating Apps or anything more structured. And I've done some really cool stuff with this - yes play parties, but also Dessa's first live show in NY post-plague, weird hot dog tasting, board game cafes with blaseball nerds, and oddball block parties. (Queens Night Market is more than an 'oddball block party', but there's been others too. I digress.) I mostly don't feel lonely or deprived, between this and Harriet and incidental workplace socializing. What that implies about my future with polyamory is well...something to examine.
I'm also relatively sure I will visit Florida in mid-December, and come out to my parents about Harriet. (There was a heart-pounding moment where it looked like my mom would come visit me soon after Celebration, which would accelerate that timeline, but got cancelled just as quickly, so I'm just gonna let myself...work this stuff out, mostly in therapy. I *think* I came out to my parents as a teenager, but they've never seen me seriously date anyone who wasn't a cis dude, so.)
I'm also hoping one of my comets will visit in the fall, and I'm excited to spend Thanksgiving with that polycule. plus the usual things, of holiday markets and general schlepping around and making it through.
I hope you're well. <3
A lot happened.
the return to office happened, then accelerated - I'm now in full time, have been for the last few weeks. i am definitely not having a GREAT time with it but i'm not having a BAD time with it either? some of the thoughts from siderea's latest big post about the lifestyle of "participating in the tapestry of urban life" being both ridiculous in our hyper-modern world and simultaneously romantic and aesthetically pleasing that mirrors things in my head. like yes, it's dumb that i spend something on the order of ten to fifteen hours a week hauling ass and griping about the subway, but also - there's beauty and serendipity from what these forced inconveniences make us do and see. the forced sunlight is probably good for me - and hell, the forced walk in the rain probably is too, in the sense of physically moving my body, in the confrontation of a world where everything doesn't work immediately. i don't know, i don't know.
i broke up with the once PartnerBeast mid-June. It has, for me, been overwhelmingly the right decision. There's still grief there, at the edges of my vision, tied up in my understanding of art and what I do with my weekends and what I'm attracted to and what I want to learn about the world - but also, releasing myself from that anchor has let me float over my world, see what i've learned in these five years, see what the new pathways are, and also just. see myself on the ground, grounded in the moment as best i can in a ridiculous time, taking care of myself with the tools he'd given me. i hope he and i can be friends, at least a bit. i think we're getting there.
Harriet visited for a month, then a month and a half later I went to visit *her* - Americans are finally allowed across the border! A lot of this was really satisfying, a lot of this was really really strange - I hadn't left the United States since my 2018 Europe trip, and I hadn't been on a plane since the very very start of the pandemic. I met her family, I saw bits of how she grew up that are so wildly different from my life, I unironically searched for toonies in my pockets to ride a bus up a mountain - i dunno. this maybe should be its own entry. we also have had some really intense talks about the future, about things we want to do and work on as a couple, and well. yeah, there's a lot to do, but in a way that might be thrilling and joyful and yet also a relief.
it's almost Roguelike Celebration - it both feels like there's so much to do and also that nothing i do will help, which is very strange. having to do dayjob/commute stuff alongside it has been really difficult for me, but also again, we're more prepared and have more staff, so i don't think we're actively *struggling*. i'm going back to Alberta to spend the conference in-person with Harriet despite the conference being virtual, which I think will be good, as the con itself is such an emotional thing for us both. it comes with logistical challenges but hey, worth it.
yet another thing that siderea post has me thinking about is that strange feeling after achieving something large - I felt it when I released the game version of *Sweeter Kind of Fire* after several months of steady labor, and I think I've felt it after every Celebration. That there is a loss entangled in achieving a goal, that ending a story in a victory leave a void. "The other way, of course, that dreams end is by coming true."
i've deliberately left my post-Celebration life 60% "we'll see what happens", much like I deliberately left my post-breakup-with-ex-Beast life 90% "we'll see what happens". the post-Ecologist breakup was much more like "I want to try this completely separate life instead". I think I like a lot of my current life, but also, man who knows? Let's find out.
So what's outside of those percentages?
I have a job interview for a part-time/consulting-ish gig I think I could seriously excel in given the chance, that would open doors into really strange and wonderful things. In general, if I can get to a point of having my health insurance and rent paid for without going into an office, I think I will push for that, but I haven't really delved deep into specific applications other than this part time thing.
I'm going to the occasional play party with a polycule I'm adjacent to, and occasionally doing random interesting things alone or with friends where I maybe could meet new people, but not opening up any Dating Apps or anything more structured. And I've done some really cool stuff with this - yes play parties, but also Dessa's first live show in NY post-plague, weird hot dog tasting, board game cafes with blaseball nerds, and oddball block parties. (Queens Night Market is more than an 'oddball block party', but there's been others too. I digress.) I mostly don't feel lonely or deprived, between this and Harriet and incidental workplace socializing. What that implies about my future with polyamory is well...something to examine.
I'm also relatively sure I will visit Florida in mid-December, and come out to my parents about Harriet. (There was a heart-pounding moment where it looked like my mom would come visit me soon after Celebration, which would accelerate that timeline, but got cancelled just as quickly, so I'm just gonna let myself...work this stuff out, mostly in therapy. I *think* I came out to my parents as a teenager, but they've never seen me seriously date anyone who wasn't a cis dude, so.)
I'm also hoping one of my comets will visit in the fall, and I'm excited to spend Thanksgiving with that polycule. plus the usual things, of holiday markets and general schlepping around and making it through.
I hope you're well. <3