i almost forgot i do this
Oct. 4th, 2017 12:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fandomonymousSo. I'm looking through my calendars to figure out what's been happening and well, here's a wall of text.
Speaking of that play party: I did some play I'm not sure I loved but was glad to try,[3] and got to give service in a way I needed more than I thought I did, but I didn't get much sexy touch for myself. I should work on fixing that, too. I am suddenly both glad I'm writing this out and annoyed at myself, but hey, what is journaling for?
If you couldn't tell by this being published sometime around 2 AM on a work night, my sleep schedule lately's been all fucked up. Weirdly, it hasn't been affecting work performance much, though it's probably a confounding factor on all of this emotional confusion/futzing.
The future:
Footnotes:
[0]This was initially like pulling teeth - the business analyst's job is to make this difficult in interesting ways and I know this, but still. I'm proud of myself that the BA now really groks the subject, and I *think* everyone has what they need to make this happen, which makes me pretty pleased.
[1]I'm thinking about this a lot lately - at what point does self-care tip over into pampering/babying oneself/shielding oneself from reality? A younger Kawa watched a weird reality show featuring Tori Spelling for some unknown reason, and was caught off-guard by her describing regular manicures and facials as "taking care of (her)self". And while I don't want to credit my relationship to femme ritual to reality television, I admit I can't not do that....
My self-care has higher prerequisites than a lot of people, because of chronic issues (eczema, food allergies) and general anxieties, but like. I was resisting changing my commute because I'd have to stand up for a non-trivial amount of time, but I am perfectly capable of standing for the half hour or so required. The process of putting on makeup is a useful grounding exercise but I definitely don't *need* that stuff on my face to go outside; hell I don't even *need* to use up all the makeup I already own, (though also I shouldn't buy anything else...) I don't need to sheet mask every day, I may or may not actually *need* my daily coffee, but i treat these differently for some reason. Something to consider.
[2]This probably means I should get better at not-in-person contact with them, to make up for the fact that logistics/disability nix us being near each other in person as often as I'd like, but texting is hard and I view it as a supplement to instead of a primary form of relationship building.
This also probably means I should sacrifice a some more weekend PartnerBeast-time to be potential Kit-time. Given upcoming rehearsals (see later in the main text) that might be problematic, but I really should do that, especially for physical affection time. I also have the tendency to feel Really Awful when my precious, precious weekend time gets derailed, which is a significant risk with disability issues, so I'm a bit leery, but the sacrifice /should/ be worth it, right?
And/or, I figure out a pseudoregular weekday thing the way Wednesday PartnerBeast Dinners are a thing. But first Mondays are Bi Request, and Fridays are therapy. Friday therapy is late enough that I probably /could/ squeeze dinner in, but also like, I like the flexibility of spending part of Fridays in Queens decompressing from Manhattan Lyfe, and Kit lives in Manhattan (though easily accessing the parts of Queens I like!) so this may or may not be a slam dunk, who knows. Maybe it doesn't have to be weekly. Hell, maybe an occasional PartnerBeast Dinner can become a Kawa Constellation Dinner. Hmmmmm.
[3]Foot worship (giving) and electro wand (receiving), to be specific. Maybe I should make a kink filter to talk about play parties and stuff, but I work on kink so little that I dunno how much use it'd get. (Or maybe I should just write this out in private, but I'm not sure if I'd hold myself to regular writing with a guaranteed lack of audience...)
- Work is...getting better, which is weird and kind of awesome. There's a surprising amount of permissiveness given the environment - I don't feel too weird checking Discord or even Dreamwidth at work in moderation - but also, there's plenty to do. But also also, it's not just grunt work, I'm the fucking subject matter expert in a process change we're developing, and my views are listened to and valued and turned into real actionable "holy shit, look at this fancy thing" stuff. Well, it will be. We're early in the development process, just writing out requirements and documentation[0]. But man. I was worried, but I can see myself here for a while.
- My dad spent almost all of the month not around, whatever. My mom retired from her full time job but is still teaching twice a week. I don't have the spoons? courage? whatever? to have the real talk with them about what's going to happen next, or at least I didn't last weekend. Bleh.
- Everyone in my life is chill post-Irma, nothing terrible happened to my parts of Florida or my Floridians, though the power was out for a while and things were looking dicey there. I definitely was glued to weather updates/my friend's social media in the leadup, which was exhausting.
- Other disasters were much worse and I am, as always, overwhelmed with the news cycle. (It is telling I've felt this way since long before 45...) I've been sticking my neck in the sand, trying to preserve what fragile bits of myself exist. I feel guilty for doing so, and it's an immense privilege to be able to bubble myself this way, but also, trying to run myself ragged does no one good.[1]
- I love Bi Request, or at least the idea of it, and appreciate some of its members as friends in my life. I also...don't feel like I should be there? I'm honestly really comfortable in my queer identity, I'm out to who I need to be out to, and I do worry that yet another non-monogamous voice drowns out the people trying honestly and valiantly to live authentically monogamous. The concept of being there to support people who haven't figured out their peace yet is theoretically nice, but I'm not sure if it's work I really enjoy doing on my own time. I'm trying to feel out being there only for the social half, but that's also the more logistically obnoxious half, so I dunno.
- But also, without BiReq and a handful of people (that I've also been drifting from) I simply *don't* have much non-work community right now. I simply don't...have much to say to people? I can list the facts about what's happening (like this) and express confusion. I'm burning out from Overwatch (which is still the game my Floridians are playing socially). I'm not really reaching out to other friends I have/had, as I feel the friendships themselves are...not necessarily what I'd choose now. Not because they're bad people! Just my brain's in such a different place than it was when it established those relationships, and I don't know what common ground is left.
- Weirdly and sadly, this is extending to relationships too. I'm cozy with my constellation, it's lovely, but I'm not...feeling intensely about it and it's weird. To wit:
- Andy's primary partner T came out as trans* recently. I went to a play party with Andy, T, and their mutual partner C; I hugged and comforted C as she cried happy tears on my shoulder about T's transition while T and Andy were playing. I'm certainly proud of T (and he looks great!), but I can't even think of what would make me cry happy tears about my partners.
- Kit didn't join me at the party for Reasonable Reasons though I was hoping they would. (This is...an uncomfortable trend for me. It's okay, because logistics are hard and disability is harder, but also, it's not okay.[2]) Kit's also directing a musical, and is clearly excited and happy and energized by the work involved, but also like...it's their work, and I'm happy for them, but also, whatever? I just...have nothing to say about it, other than Kit is working frantically on this thing that will make them happy, and I will probably go see it (I did back it on Kickstarter), and hopefully it's good.
- PartnerBeast continues to be depressed but semi-functional, which colors this whole thing, of course. We've made shockingly good strides in some aspects of our relationship, but also? I feel like I keep being presented with the Unscalable Wall, in depression and other aspects, and man, I dunno. I feel some frustration. But we're making strides, so I don't want to give up yet. I should work on communicating what I need, and trusting that either I'll get it or I'll get a reasonable compromise.
- Andy's primary partner T came out as trans* recently. I went to a play party with Andy, T, and their mutual partner C; I hugged and comforted C as she cried happy tears on my shoulder about T's transition while T and Andy were playing. I'm certainly proud of T (and he looks great!), but I can't even think of what would make me cry happy tears about my partners.
The future:
- Gonna shepherd this work thing to its next steps, which is both exciting and scary.
- Figuring out how to get the courage to really sit down with my parents and hash shit out regarding living arrangement and such. Then, you know, make it happen.
- Clearly I need to resolve some of this communication nonsense: meeting with Kit more, managing my needs with the PartnerBeast, getting more of the kinds of affection I like, maybe figuring out what the deal is with my friendships and BiReq.
- Footnote 2 has me thinking I should set up a Kawa Constellation Happy Hour. Not for any specific reason - my birthday was months ago, and Andy had good reason to miss it - but just. To get that settled and into place, and to see what the dynamic is at last, and feel that out for the future.
- I'll discuss this next month, but I'll be going to San Francisco November 9 - 13, mostly for Roguelike Celebration but also just to sightsee.
Footnotes:
[0]This was initially like pulling teeth - the business analyst's job is to make this difficult in interesting ways and I know this, but still. I'm proud of myself that the BA now really groks the subject, and I *think* everyone has what they need to make this happen, which makes me pretty pleased.
[1]I'm thinking about this a lot lately - at what point does self-care tip over into pampering/babying oneself/shielding oneself from reality? A younger Kawa watched a weird reality show featuring Tori Spelling for some unknown reason, and was caught off-guard by her describing regular manicures and facials as "taking care of (her)self". And while I don't want to credit my relationship to femme ritual to reality television, I admit I can't not do that....
My self-care has higher prerequisites than a lot of people, because of chronic issues (eczema, food allergies) and general anxieties, but like. I was resisting changing my commute because I'd have to stand up for a non-trivial amount of time, but I am perfectly capable of standing for the half hour or so required. The process of putting on makeup is a useful grounding exercise but I definitely don't *need* that stuff on my face to go outside; hell I don't even *need* to use up all the makeup I already own, (though also I shouldn't buy anything else...) I don't need to sheet mask every day, I may or may not actually *need* my daily coffee, but i treat these differently for some reason. Something to consider.
[2]This probably means I should get better at not-in-person contact with them, to make up for the fact that logistics/disability nix us being near each other in person as often as I'd like, but texting is hard and I view it as a supplement to instead of a primary form of relationship building.
This also probably means I should sacrifice a some more weekend PartnerBeast-time to be potential Kit-time. Given upcoming rehearsals (see later in the main text) that might be problematic, but I really should do that, especially for physical affection time. I also have the tendency to feel Really Awful when my precious, precious weekend time gets derailed, which is a significant risk with disability issues, so I'm a bit leery, but the sacrifice /should/ be worth it, right?
And/or, I figure out a pseudoregular weekday thing the way Wednesday PartnerBeast Dinners are a thing. But first Mondays are Bi Request, and Fridays are therapy. Friday therapy is late enough that I probably /could/ squeeze dinner in, but also like, I like the flexibility of spending part of Fridays in Queens decompressing from Manhattan Lyfe, and Kit lives in Manhattan (though easily accessing the parts of Queens I like!) so this may or may not be a slam dunk, who knows. Maybe it doesn't have to be weekly. Hell, maybe an occasional PartnerBeast Dinner can become a Kawa Constellation Dinner. Hmmmmm.
[3]Foot worship (giving) and electro wand (receiving), to be specific. Maybe I should make a kink filter to talk about play parties and stuff, but I work on kink so little that I dunno how much use it'd get. (Or maybe I should just write this out in private, but I'm not sure if I'd hold myself to regular writing with a guaranteed lack of audience...)
no subject
Date: 2017-10-04 05:19 pm (UTC)In general the sense of "not feeling super connected" is familiar and for me, at least, that can be a depressive/dissociative thing (intertwined or separately, thanks brain). The changing of the seasons is screwing with a bunch of people and I don't know if that's a factor for you but it might be? I dunno if you have a whole lot to say --- that's like. way outside my scope of knowledge --- but I like the things you do say, if it helps. It's #relatable.
Foot worship (giving) and electro wand (receiving)
electric stuff is super cool and it's cool that you are having fun with it!
at what point does self-care tip over into pampering/babying oneself/shielding oneself from reality?
I think there's a point at which some things are both and that's part of what makes it so hard to balance. Reality is terrible!!!!! You need to shield yourself from it sometimes. But if you're in a bunker all the time, that's too much shielding. (At least it would be for me, and I would question it for other people but like. I'm not their life coach.) Unfortunately that's totally not an answer to the question. :P
no subject
Date: 2017-10-04 07:20 pm (UTC)Oh yeah, there's definitely a connection between depression, weather, and "not feeling connected". The good news is, compared to past Kawa, I am way more functional. The thing is, I...have a really high tolerance for shit thanks to surviving past bullshit, so unless it's MELTDOWN CENTRAL I'm not always good at recognizing emotional shifts. (It took writing this out to realize some of the things I wrote about. Which is the goddamn point of this exercise, but even so.)
I got a few seconds with a violet wand and it was fuzzy and fascinating! I don't have regular access to one (or at least I don't think I do...I can think of at least one metamour who might have one, hmm) and they are Hella Expensive, but man, it's worth investigating.
That is totally not an answer to the self-care question, Rax, but thanks for the acknowledgement that the balance is a struggle. <3
no subject
Date: 2017-10-05 03:41 pm (UTC)https://www.stockroom.com/kinklab-neon-wand-r-electrosex-kit.html
I definitely get feeling cozy in a situation but not always feeling intensely about it. I've been with my husband since 1999, and it's just not always easy to feel the goodness of that because it's so familiar. I find that newer partners are sometimes actually useful with that, in that they throw my husband's good attributes into sudden highlight just by demonstrating something different.