oof ouch owie my time

[fandomonymous]

• I did tackle most but not all of the health stuff I'd hoped to tackle, which is great. I'm building better routines that center on symptom management and prevention, which is not a thing I was emotionally ready for in the past and feels pretty good now. I didn't qualify for the clinical trial; I don't have glaucoma but do have chronically dry eyes like the rest of me; I have a good dentist now. Phew!
  
• I've been handling the gender feelings mostly by, uh, spending money. A lot of my wardrobe needed the update/upgrade anyway, and now I'm fairly financially stable. So I'm adding some higher quality things from both sides of the semi-arbitrary clothing aisle and getting rid of worn out and lower quality ones.
  
  
  
  • The PartnerBeast recommended me a tailor, where I could get a charcoal gray men's suit then get it tailored. It was a lot of tailoring and in my flustered state I didn't get as quality a suit I'd like, but it's still pretty excellent. I also bought myself a few ties and pocket squares, and anticipate them being future thrifting targets for the next while. I'll be wearing these to rax's wedding next month!
    
  • I got a "men's" StitchFix box, requesting pants and accessories; I kept one pair of pants and the tie/pocket square I was given. It's definitely an indulgence so I won't be doing this again in a while but the pants were *fantastic* and I now want to change most-to-all of my pants to men's cotton or wool pants. (In general, I own more polyester than I'm really comfortable with anymore. Sigh, past me.)
    
  • PartnerBeast's dad gave me this British company's mail order catalog and I picked up these oxblood oxfords in the smallest size, which are only a half size too big for me (easily fixed with insoles) and just gorgeous.
    
  • I also picked up a few short sleeve button down shirts mostly from the female side, but they're all pretty boxy and neutral-feeling to me compared to past silhouettes. Also a plain gray sheath dress that makes me feel like I'm two steps up in the promotional chain and/or in an MM La Fleur subway ad despite being like a third the price of anything they offer, so that's baller.
    
  • Plus I refreshed my outerwear, since my pea coats are all pretty worn out and the lining is coming undone (which I could get repaired, but not sure if worth it) and my old packable down jacket is definitely pretty sad looking right now. I'll be taking the packable jacket to San Francisco.
    
  
  
• PartnerBeast and I have joined a meetup where every Tuesday we play one-shots of narrative/rules-light tabletop RPGs. It's been an interesting time - a mixed bag of DMs and systems, mostly variants of Powered by the Apocalypse but some others too. I'm happy to finally have a place where we're both social, instead of "Kawa's group and PB is tagging along" or vice versa. It is also a good deal of time in a mediocre, too-warm cafeteria space with people I'm fine being social with but do not feel the spark of "oh man, these are My People and I must be close friends with them". Still, a thing worth doing, and I'm proud of PB for suggesting it.
  
• My therapist has been on vacation and oof, things were rough on that end. Getting better, but still. Though now that I'm looking at all I've been doing it makes much more sense...
  
• Family stuff was Weird and Sad and my depression/anxiety did not help, hahahahahaaaaaaaah. I should apologize for my own behavior without being too dig-in-the-mud about it... sigh. Feelings and obligation and honesty are Hard.
  
• I only went to one of the two kink parties I was initially going to go to, partially because of terrible queer politics and partially because depression/anxiety. {Nickname TBA} and I had a long dinner/chat before she went to the party I skipped and oh god she really likes me and I weirdly don't know how to feel about that. [Okay, I know I am feeling more trepadacious than intrigued/excited, but why? Is it the distance? Not wanting to financially or logistically burden someone? Am I just not as homoromantic as I thought? Is it just my anxiety in the way? HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH]
  
• Another play partner opportunity died because the other person didn't respect my time and that's balls but hey I stood up for myself at least, go team Kawa.
  
• PB's family keeps inviting me for things that are hard to refuse because they involve interesting adventures and tasty food. PB, PB's mom, and I went to Queens Night Market right before they closed for the US Open; it was not as magical as when I went alone last year, if only due to rain, but hey, I love supporting Night Market. And I'm going to New Jersey again in September for a fancy thing hosted by Princeton for PB's dad.
  
• Other September plans: an overdue Long Walk during Labor Day weekend; the reading/signing for Dessa's new essay collection (!); an old friend moving back to New York; and about 2 weeks where PB will be away to attend a wedding in Tokyo (!!!). Plus work/games/BiReq/Poly Cocktails as usual, and Boston, and prepping for San Francisco. Whew. It's a good busy, a busy full of things I love and care about, as they've tended to be. It's also, plain and simply A Busy.