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I haven't done a post like this before somehow, so let's do this!

2011 - I wrote Look Around You: Yuletide. Weird, cracky, very "inside baseball"; this fic probably only makes sense if you're part of the flailing around the Yuletide tradition, but I'd like to think it does so pretty successfully. The very strict structure of Look Around You (i.e. in the style of old educational television) is absolutely fantastic to work with. Probably my most popular fic ever, because there's actually plenty of people familiar with Yuletide.

I received three fun, sweet things: A Sucker is Born Every Minute and And Substitute My Own, two fics that took an offhanded question about Good Eats ("how did Alton and W meet?") and spun the answers into weird, tone-perfect, lovely delights; plus The Great Yeti Adventure., which might be the cutest "lost episode" of Boy Meets World to exist.

2012 - I wrote within these secret spaces. Playing to my strengths here, character study and small scenes, in the fantastic Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind. Kushana learning about who Nausicaä really is after the events depicted, with a hint that could be taken romantically but doesn't have to be. I wrote this to work with either the movie canon or the manga one, though I only got to review the movie before writing.

I received an absolutely delightful Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex short: A Tachikoma by Any Other Name.

2015 - I wrote {T}raumdeuter. Finally writing some football RPF again, though this technically takes place in the world of the world's most delightful Coke Zero commercial. Finally writing porn, too, and getting back into genderfuckery in a lighthearted way! But really, this started with the thought of "how would I make the football world more magical? Taking everyone who calls Thomas Müller an impossible, magical being literally, and giving him Haruhi Suzumiya style reality bending prowess." I'm just glad it worked. :P

I'm practically weeping with joy about what I recieved this year: we're still the same, we're still the same. It is, for all intents and purposes, the Lahm/Schweinsteiger fanfic of my heart, studying some of the most fascinating people in this sport and how they grow both apart and together, and I just. I have already read it 20+ times and I will probably reread it hundreds more and the whole thing is now my headcanon of how I view the both of them, ugh it is fantastic thank you thank you.
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
(yes i live a life where i now think in process improvement terms, oh god)

So. 2015. Holy shit. Some shitty things in here about driving/car crashes and infidelity, because of how it started, but some awesome stuff too. )

I've got an offer on a badass co-op unit across the street from the subway (with the help of my parents). I've got two lovers that fill me with joy, and got to kiss a lot of lovely folks (and a handful of not-so-lovely folks, but each one was an important life lesson). I've got a job that's fulfilling but also not exhausting, engaging enough and yet low key enough to feel like I can actually hold onto it, that pays enough that I paid off my debts from Boston very quickly and can work on some other financial goals. There's good anime on my hard drive and pretty pigments on my face and nails.

I think life's pretty good, but I know it can get better.I'd like to spend the next year figuring out what my habits really are, from the other side, after all the adjustments have been made. Learn who I've become, so I can improve further.

I've got some big plans this coming year - besides that co-op, I've got at least three trips out of the city planned (one in April to Boston to get what I was supposed to get last time; once sometime in the summer to Florida to greet old friends, move a pile of nouns, and watch someone dear to me get married; and then Boston again in November for [personal profile] rax's fabulous sounding CGR.) I'm already brainstorming for my birthday in July, and how I'll get lots of the lovely people in my life in one place at one time.

I'd like to have enough money and vacation time saved that in 2017 or 2018 I can seriously consider heading to Europe, eating food and touring soccer stadiums. I'd like to do more reading and writing. I'd like to put a significant dent in my makeup and origami paper collections. But to do those things, I've gotta observe my current state, and figure out what needs improving.

Let's explore 2016 together, dear friends. Watch this space for observations.
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
but not great. despite everything.

I'll have badass, everything-happening-all-at-once days at work, followed by days of sluggish pacing and excessive snippiness to coworkers and awkward moments with supervisors. I'll have days where I'm interacting deeply with friends and lovers, followed by weekends of hiding under the blankets and not existing to the world. I'll have days where chores get done and routines are set and days that I fall off the wagon. I'll be totally on the ball on some tasks and horrifyingly behind on others. I'll write hundreds of words for Yuletide one day then completely ignore the fact that it's due next week for the next few. (I'm so close to done, it's ridiculous. I really should just power through, but ugh.) My libido comes and goes too, which is not fun.

And a lot of it makes me want to drink, and I don't like the fact that I have that thought. I really enjoy drinking with others, I really enjoy various boozy things both in terms of flavor and process-to-acquire, but I never want it to be a crutch, a reward for putting up with shit. I want to never want to drink alone, if that makes sense, but I'm not succeeding at that necessarily.

And occasionally, I'll have a really terrible intrusive thought, too, and that's also really deeply upsetting.

But structurally I'm doing so much better than I've ever done before - I have friends and lovers and a job that doesn't suck and I live in a city I love love love where I never have to drive and I'm surrounded by all kinds of human beings. I miss a lot of specific people, and I'm still aching to get to the point where I live on my own away from my parents, but (for the most part) I'm working on those goals, I'm putting in the effort and I know I'll see the rewards.

And I'm not having the symptoms of burnout I used to, or at least not to the same degree; I'm getting lots of tasks done (though there are some balls I have conspicuously dropped in the juggle, it's more successful than it once was).

And yet.
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
finishing the set!

Also, I guess I should make it clear: optional details are optional, and you don't have to integrate any of this blabbering into your fic. You're writing about things I love, with characters I'm deeply fascinated by - write what speaks to you and I'll love it!

Sports are basically procedurally generated narrative, right? )
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
A companion of sorts to my last post, in case my Yuletide writer is writing Nethack instad of Steins;Gate. ...I'll probably end up doing a similar post to this but about recent fußball blathering, I guess?

NOT THAT I WAS EVER EXPECTING THIS TO HAPPEN. Because, you know. Nethack vanilla, updating after twelve years. TWELVE!

Also, I guess I should make it clear: optional details are optional, and you don't have to integrate any of this blabbering into your fic. You're writing about things I love, with a world I'm deeply fascinated by - write what speaks to you and I'll love it!

I believe it not! )
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
two posts in one day blah blah blah, but I should get this posted in case my Yuletide writer cares about this. Also, I guess I should make it clear: optional details are optional, and you don't have to integrate any of this blabbering into your fic. You're writing about things I love, with characters I'm deeply fascinated by - write what speaks to you and I'll love it!

For those who don't know about Steins;Gate, the tl;dr: it's a wonderful thing, about time travel. It was originally a visual novel, that got adapted into an anime that explored only one ending. A few years ago I wrote a spoilery thing about my response to said anime, which is oddly prophetic and interesting to look back on now, doubly so given what's happening in the fandom at the moment.

They're making more, both in VN and anime form, exploring another, more tragic ending...that needs to happen for the "best ending" to happen. Today, they re-released the episode where the timeline split happens, going down the other path. This is my VERY SPOILERY reaction to it.

Cut for length, spoilers on the main anime and beta-23, and more in depth depression talk than my usual. )

PS and PPS on typing things. )
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
Boss came back, things went well, but now all the work that was on backlog pending his arrival is back on my plate to get done. And some of it involves looking at data that is sad (e.g. "how often do we put patients in restraints in our psych ward, and for how long?") Oof oof oof.

I always knew I wouldn't make it to my friend's baby shower in FL. I didn't realize until today that due to family commitments I probably can't even make it remotely/over Skype. Blah. I am thinking a lot about my old friends vs. my hometown.

Someone linked this interview about creativity, depression, and breaking up long term relationships to me, and it's fascinating, even if I feel I've read everything there is about depression out there. :P That someone is rather open about "unwell brainmeats", and we had a great empathy for quite a while, but I'd lost touch...probably should fix that.

Brighter things:

For those of you that don't know, Google/Android has this little app where they offer marketing surveys in exchange for small amounts of App Store credit. I have one today that is seriously kind of outstanding:

Q1: Do you watch Youtube videos on your "me time"? (Yes / I don't watch Youtube / No)
Q2: How often do you watch Youtube videos with your significant other? (Always / Often / Sometimes / Never)
Q3: Of the following movies, which do you think is most quoteable? (The Big Lebowski / Princess Bride / Space Balls)

As someone who loves all three of those movies and what they represent to my young adulthood...this is amazing. I have NO IDEA what Youtube is studying with this info, but I REALLY WANT TO FIND OUT.
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
a. ahaha. Sorry about that Thank you for your patience. (I'm trying to replace at least some of my apologies with gratitude, as per this.)

I'm going to try blogging semi-regularly again, a mix of the personal and the fandom-y things. Feel free to read/comment but don't feel obliged? Or something? This is mostly for my own reference; reminding me of things to bring up in therapy, or to chat about with friends/cuties/others.

Weather changes are fucking terrible, and missing a community I love dearly is also terrible, and so is watching their lives drift away from my own. There's a great This American Life segment about the last idea, though with a very different context than mine. But God almighty, I miss having the routine of a set of nerds to hang out with who have known me forever, even if we didn't actually /do all that much/ necessarily. Also sunshine and not having to wear 50 billion layers, god that was nice, even if I never walked around in Florida and I always do now.

I like my job but I'm no longer gung-ho enthusiastic about it, but it feels doable anyway, so that's nice vs. burning out I guess. I hope I can stay in it for a super long time, not necessarily for the work itself but just for the sake of...stability and having one less thing to worry about, I guess? My boss has been out of the office for the past week and a half and I've been kinda slacking but a lot of it needs to get back on his plate anyway, so uh, I'm not entirely just being lazy and awful, I think. I hope. We'll find out tomorrow?

Also I have an incredibly attractive coworker who basically admitted both a desire to keep professional distance and concern about depression in /basically/ the same conversation. (We are...oddly close and yet not close, and this is really hard for me to parse right now partially due to physical attraction and partially for a really deep seated need to have people to consistently reach out to, I think? And also emotionally I see fragments of my ex in their personality, but I see that in everyone I'm attracted to, so that doesn't necessarily say a lot.... Something to think about.)

I am trying Very Hard to reach out to friends and cuties and make them a regular part of my life but it takes me like, specifically reminding myself and kind of dragging myself out of my head and into the world. I don't like that it doesn't feel natural, I don't like that I second-guess myself every time I'm invited out. It's also a huge adjustment to go from basically a community/squad/pile of people who all know each other to people who are mostly strangers to each other and only have me in common. I'm also not as engaging a conversationalist as I'd like to be and that's kinda weird too. Thus this post.

In better, fandom news:

I ended up Yuletiding anyway though I didn't put much effort into it. I have a good prompt but I am stuck, but I have faith I'll get /some/thing out on time and get something enjoyable out of it, and that is what matters.

I'm playing a lot of Android roguelikes lately, and knocked out my first Shattered Pixel Dungeon win (as well as two Hoplite wins I didn't get pictures of). I solemnly swear I will beat DCSS one day, but honestly most of my gaming is happening on my commute now, so lots of Android games and the occasional 3DS free-to-start silliness.

Also, man, I really like giant robot series that have wonderfully nuanced characters, and this one does and it's free to watch so you should watch it so I have someone to talk to about it. If you're cool with violence and some relatively awkward female physical character design, anyway. (Though the ladies in question are clearly very competent.) It also has a...weird and so-close-to-being-amazing model of polyamory that really intrigues me, but I don't think they'll explore it in the ways I want them to. But the possibilities, and the fact that it's canon at all, makes me VERY EXCITED.
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default) this real life?? Am I really participating in Yuletide again after all these years?

Apparently yes! And I'm super excited to see what you come up with, dear wonderful writer. So. Keeping in mind that optional details really are optional, which means if you offered one of my fandoms with an idea burning deep within your gut, please, by all means go for it:

General likes and dislikes )

Nethack )

Steins;Gate )

German National Team or Bayern Munich RPF )
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
I feel like I've forgotten how to participate in fandom, or that the ways it happens now have zoomed past me, or that I just don't feel the impulse to participate anymore, just to watch. Maybe all of the above?

I don't want to say this is "me growing up", but...maybe? I know now I was probably depressed or otherwise mentally in "recovery mode" instead of "growth mode" during the times I was most active doing stuff on the Internet instead of off of it (high school, grad school and the first year or so after it, maybe 2013 as well, and from February to May this year). Those last two are interesting because other than a tiny handful of fics I was mostly involved in things that are clearly fannish but not necessarily what I think of as "classic" fandom; my work on Youtube and Twitch were clearly acts of love of someone else's work, but they feel very different even from, say, helping [ profile] louis_quatorze with the German NT primer, let alone writing fanfiction.

I am definitely in "growth mode" now - exploring relationships on my own terms, navigating work that's been deeply fulfilling, taking in New York City. These things take time, time that takes me away from the devices that keep me away from fannish Internet. But I do spend time "to myself", and most of that time is still spent soaking in bits of "canon" and to a lesser degree "fanon" - but not necessarily participating in fandom-building myself, and my canon absorption is not as thorough as it once was. (As an example, I no longer set my alarm for soccer games, and have forgotten to check when they're happening more times now than my 2011 self would ever be comfortable with.) And I do pick cuties/partners who are understanding of geek culture and fandom as a rule, though they don't necessarily share /my/ fandoms - though I consider that a plus. (And I'm willing to get into fandoms through them...heck, I'm considering offering two fandoms in Yuletide because of exposure to the canons from cuties.)

But do I want to write fanfic again? Do I have those stories in me? Do I want to participate in fannish conversation, finally learn how to Tumblr or have more fannish conversations on Twitter or take part in a revitalization of Dreamwidth or Livejournal? Do I want or need those communities, when I'm busy building communities and relationships with people I see face to face all the time? Do I have the energy for them?

tl;dr: do I want to participate in Yuletide at all?
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
So last night I was chatting with [ profile] staticxfever and we decided that we both want to write every day in November 2015.

So here I'm throwing out ideas of things I could see myself writing next month. This isn't meant to be binding in any way, just brainstormy when I get partway through November and can't decide what to write. :)

personal essays
* defining the ideals of my current romantic model
* talking about the reality of making that happen
* compulsive planning in general vs. the spontaneity of emotion
* examining how a relationship goes wrong? or is this too raw?
* examining living in NY again, Queens specifically
* thoughts on the first-gen immigrant emotional rollercoaster
* maybe write some erotica vaguely based on real experience, in the style of /r/gonewildstories?

not so personal essays
* things i have learned from working in healthcare
* deep thoughts on roguelikes
* recaps Mary Sue style (re)watching something??

* revising "to a set of poets, regarding (dirty) talk"
* probably something about redefining the word "love"
* probably something about seasons and witnessing change, FL vs NY
** speaking of holy shit how did i write this 11 years ago and it feels better than anything i can write now??

* this weird mostly Bayern magical realism idea that I won't really share details on publicly just yet
* more Pia-verse? there's a few never-quite-written scenes...but considering the inspiration for Pia is no longer my partner, and the really deep emotional rollercoaster that is getting over that relationship and my understanding of queer attraction in general...idk???
* would it be weird to expand on [personal profile] 4or5paragraphs's Bayern Pacific Rim AU??????
* oh right I had a Jojo's crossdresser idea too because I'M PREDICTABLE but ugh that might be even more emotionally fraught to tackle than Pia-verse uuuuuuuuuugh
* dig through [ profile] touchline for fun madness?
* find some other kink memes/prompt collection type things? i know Welcome to Night Vale used to have a big one of these, and there might be a Jojo one as well? hm.
* dig through past years' Yuletide letters???
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
This is meant to be delivered as spoken word; maybe I'll perform it one day, who knows. I haven't written poetry since high school, and I haven't written anything 'artistic' for the past two years or so, but ah, I was inspired, as you will soon understand.

Here's a taping of a performance of Rives' "Dirty Talk" for reference. At any point that I'm quoting it, I imagine the cadence of reading this to match.

Also the ending is the weakest part of this, sigh. Needs work.

Read more... )
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Not visiting that couple in Boston after all. Need to close that door, emotionally as well as sexually. That hurts, in a different way than the last few rejections have hurt. All of the rejections hurt, even now, in different ways for different reasons.

Still have friends I want to see in Boston, though. Need to keep making friends, local to New York as well as not-local. Need to rebuild and reshape my support structure as a whole, and it needs the fresh materials.

Have a job lined up but due to bureaucracy can't start until mid-September. It's not a dream gig, but it uses my skills and seems at least somewhat geared towards making the world a better place (as much as any non-education job can do so with my skillset), and it's not far from where I currently live. The late start means money is still tight, but it's manageable for the most part. Fuck ton of red tape I need to get through until then, too. Blah.

Really badly burnt out on actively participating in the roguelike community. Love the games still, just don't want to put in the effort towards contributing on a regular basis...but also want to make IRDC New York happen. A conundrum.
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
And holy shit, those two years were...transformative.

Florida did not treat me well, after all. I had two jobs I hated, and sacrificed living with my then-partner for them, and regretted that choice and burnt out terribly. Then I lived with my then-partner again, and realized we had both changed deeply, and had stopped knowing how to really communicate to each other how much we had changed.

If you couldn't guess, we then broke up. It's pretty much amicable now, but it took a lot out of me to do.

If you couldn't guess from those last two things, I moved back to New York City. I'm not looking forward to winter here, but I'm reconnecting with old support networks, and the city itself feels wonderful and supportive in a way that's hard to describe, so that's progress. No formal job yet, but a lot of promising leads. We shall see.

I think I'm polyamorous-ish. Open-ish. Capable of loving more than one person, given that they love me back and accept the possibility. I'm still defining love, defining relationship instead of friendship, and having a lot of trouble with that, but that's a work in progress.

I have the possibility of a wonderful, wonderful partner in Boston if his primary will let me in - though that's very doubtful, and the fact that there's doubt there is its own story that I don't think I'll make public just yet. I will say I will hopefully be in Boston in two weeks, meeting said primary, seeing what happens. I am...cautious and scared, but also hopeful.

I have (had?) the possibility of a lovely partner in Pittsburgh, but I think his own mental health is in the way between us and our actually being able to support each other, and that's just tragic for so many reasons.

Beyond ending things in February I've had some other rejections too at varying levels of angst.

I'm slowly opening up to the possibility of directly looking for someone here locally, but it's a process, and the whole "specifically looking for people to date" thing feels so weird to me, after stumbling into all of my relationships so far based on my participation in shared interests. But it would be nice to get affection and intimacy to help me cope with the other things going on in my brain and my life.

Beyond those things, I'm exploring things I love. Livestreaming roguelikes three times a week, volunteering in civic tech activism once a week, talking to friends, drinking good beer, watching good soccer, wandering New York City. We'll see what the future holds.
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
hi guys

i'm in florida now, i'm gonna be an adjunct instructor at a college an hour away from here teaching statistics and college algebra and even though the pay is miniscule and the commute is ridiculous i'm very happy

even if it'll be over a month before I have my desktop back and therefore can get back into Let's Playing and podcasting with Roguelike Radio (UGH DID I MENTION I'M A REGULAR AT RLR NOW???? because holy shit i'm a regular at RLR now and I consider Darren and Eben to be friends and waaaaaaaaah i feel like such an ascended fangirl i am not worthy waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah)

i live with my brothers-in-law and they're decent folks but i miss my partner so so so much

i'm also completely utterly over the moon about welcome to night vale, bwaaaaaah. anyone care to hear about my headcanons? (they are totally self-indulgent and borderline Mary Sueish but I DON'T CARE)
fandomonymous: Gray @ on black background (Default)
so Darren apparently lost the entire podcast/somehow was only recording himself for nearly an hour and a half


I was really really looking forward to this too, for the visibility of my Youtube channel and to discuss awesome things in the comments of the podcast and so on. So it's a bitter thing to swallow.

The worst part is, other than getting off topic a bit and generally feeling inferior because I hadn't made a game, it was a fantastic experience, and probably would have been edited into a truly lovely podcast. It was with Eben Howard and Jeff Lait, and I'd made videos of games from all three of them (Rogue Rage, Attack the Geth, and Vicious Orcs respectively) and it was fun and lovely all around. And our once-we-knew-we-weren't-being-recorded chat was fun too, with Darren mercilessly butchering trying to imitate me with hilarious results and what not. But none of the podcast will end up on air, and it will be a long time before I am invited again because it's hard to talk about a topic you've just talked about with the same fervor and depth.  It's sad to waste that effort. 

*sigh* I'm gonna be in a weird mood all day thanks to this and I'm not sure how to fix it. 

EDIT: I realize in the middle of the night that for at least a second Darren confused me for that other roguelike Kawa, who is in fact a developer...of a game I would not personally associate myself with. OH DEAR. 
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Please be sure to read all of it. All the way to the bottom.




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