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fandomonymoustwo posts in one day blah blah blah, but I should get this posted in case my Yuletide writer cares about this. Also, I guess I should make it clear: optional details are optional, and you don't have to integrate any of this blabbering into your fic. You're writing about things I love, with characters I'm deeply fascinated by - write what speaks to you and I'll love it!
For those who don't know about Steins;Gate, the tl;dr: it's a wonderful thing, about time travel. It was originally a visual novel, that got adapted into an anime that explored only one ending. A few years ago I wrote a spoilery thing about my response to said anime, which is oddly prophetic and interesting to look back on now, doubly so given what's happening in the fandom at the moment.
They're making more, both in VN and anime form, exploring another, more tragic ending...that needs to happen for the "best ending" to happen. Today, they re-released the episode where the timeline split happens, going down the other path. This is my VERY SPOILERY reaction to it.
HOLY CRAP THIS WAS A PUNCH IN THE GUT.
Funny enough, I was happy new fannish stuff came out today instead of focusing on how the major news of the day is horrible and tragic, and how my own mood today regarding work and my personal life choices are kind of a fucking trainwreck. Even though this particular thing is uh...raw and awful and kills my favorite character?? Hahahahha oh brain how you do.
BUT YEAH BACK TO THAT. I still haven't played the VN; I promised myself I wouldn't until after I finished my Yuletide assignment, and my assignment hasn't budged past 350 words out of the thousand minimum, so uh...yeah. (Bonus: this stupid thing is well over one thousand words, and yet I haven't written anything else for my assignment. HAHAHAHAHA OH BRAIN HOW YOU DO.) But I know the overview; I knew this timeline existed. I mean, we have to know it's possible, or else the ending the anime DOES give us can't happen. But to watch it "for real" is...oh god. oh god oh god oh god.
I have a hell of a lot more respect for Mayuri now. I mean, I always knew that Mayuri's empathy is meant to be equal with Kurisu's intelligence. They're both clearly incredible people, fantastic women that Okabe has managed to surround himself with. But Mayuri forcing Suzuha to step the fuck down because fuck the world, her friend is hurt? holy shit girl, you're awesome. Still not best girl. But awesome.
And god, this is so self-centered, but I'm seeing reflections of myself and my life in the beta timeline that are making me REALLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. (Which is interesting given my reactions to the original anime/the other timeline).
* Okabe blames himself for destroying something he values (even though clearly he never intended to be the one to stab Kurisu, and he acted the way he did to attempt to save her) - I've been wondering lately if some of the emotional bullshit my ex is going through is because of my actions before/during/after our breakup, and if I'm more toxic than I realize. I've had a past history of being shitty to people I once cared about, which I'm only now repairing, and I'm trying super hard to be aware of that idea. (I'm also wondering if I've self-sabotaged my chances of happiness with what I had chosen to throw away versus what I had chosen to keep.) But yeah. Hmm.
* Life moves on anyway despite Okabe's sacrifice, supported by the friends who are left, the ones that were there for Okabe since the start. - I'm still in touch with one person I've adored since...middle school? (ahaha holy shit, I am approaching Oldness, this is weird.) And repairing things with high school/Prep for Prep era folks? And well, NYC itself, and my family, which have always been part of me whether I wanted them to be or not.
* This picture is just...what depression looks like. Darkness, no motion. Nothing changing, time feeling endless. The 'mad scientist' coat on the floor being essentially equivalent to having the things that make you happy so close yet so impossible to access. I thought I left this behind. I hope I really have.
* 0kabe clearly trying to reinvent himself and his life; the new threads, the abandonment of the Lab, the attempts to make new friends. Still holding onto a few things he values - hi Mayuri - but not investing in them the way he once was. (Also: I guess I'll use 0kabe for specific-to-Steins;Gate-0 version, and Okabe for the specific-to-True-Ending one.)
* ...and questioning is this really it. Hahahaha yup.
* And then at the end, facing a shadow of what could have been, and feeling the inevitable pull, and not knowing what to do. - I've had a talk with my ex recently which is like...ugh, I don't want to go back, there's too much I've gained to go back but godDAMN do we both clearly miss the things we got from each other that we're struggling to get now. And yet. AND FUCKING YET.
Look, I want to believe that when I changed everything almost a year ago, I did the right thing for myself. I really do. Hell, my desktop background right now is actually of the divergence meter at the Steins Gate timeline - that is to say, the "best ending", the one where no one dies. And well, I'm a Kurisu fan; I'm invested in her living. But I can't help but wonder if instead of being Kurisu in the Steins Gate timeline, thriving and examining the world, I'm actually 0kabe, fumbling through because of the choices I did and didn't make, feeling a pull towards getting hurt.
PS: Alt+225 is the eszett, not Greek letter beta, and yet Alt+224 is alpha and Alt+226 is gamma. Why you do, Windows. ...And yes, I have the alt code for eszett memorized, because fußball. When I was doing more discussions of the sport on the Internet, I had the alt codes for all the umlauted vowels memorized, but I've lost that now. My legal name has an ñ (alt+164, enye) in it, too.
PPS: I haven't tested it on non-Windows computers, but when I refer to Alt+[number] codes, I mean the following:
* have a keyboard with a separate number pad
* turn Num Lock on
* hold left Alt
* press the numbers in sequence
* poof!
Again, super handy thanks to my legal name having a character not on my keyboard. There's a good list here.
For those who don't know about Steins;Gate, the tl;dr: it's a wonderful thing, about time travel. It was originally a visual novel, that got adapted into an anime that explored only one ending. A few years ago I wrote a spoilery thing about my response to said anime, which is oddly prophetic and interesting to look back on now, doubly so given what's happening in the fandom at the moment.
They're making more, both in VN and anime form, exploring another, more tragic ending...that needs to happen for the "best ending" to happen. Today, they re-released the episode where the timeline split happens, going down the other path. This is my VERY SPOILERY reaction to it.
HOLY CRAP THIS WAS A PUNCH IN THE GUT.
Funny enough, I was happy new fannish stuff came out today instead of focusing on how the major news of the day is horrible and tragic, and how my own mood today regarding work and my personal life choices are kind of a fucking trainwreck. Even though this particular thing is uh...raw and awful and kills my favorite character?? Hahahahha oh brain how you do.
BUT YEAH BACK TO THAT. I still haven't played the VN; I promised myself I wouldn't until after I finished my Yuletide assignment, and my assignment hasn't budged past 350 words out of the thousand minimum, so uh...yeah. (Bonus: this stupid thing is well over one thousand words, and yet I haven't written anything else for my assignment. HAHAHAHAHA OH BRAIN HOW YOU DO.) But I know the overview; I knew this timeline existed. I mean, we have to know it's possible, or else the ending the anime DOES give us can't happen. But to watch it "for real" is...oh god. oh god oh god oh god.
I have a hell of a lot more respect for Mayuri now. I mean, I always knew that Mayuri's empathy is meant to be equal with Kurisu's intelligence. They're both clearly incredible people, fantastic women that Okabe has managed to surround himself with. But Mayuri forcing Suzuha to step the fuck down because fuck the world, her friend is hurt? holy shit girl, you're awesome. Still not best girl. But awesome.
And god, this is so self-centered, but I'm seeing reflections of myself and my life in the beta timeline that are making me REALLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. (Which is interesting given my reactions to the original anime/the other timeline).
* Okabe blames himself for destroying something he values (even though clearly he never intended to be the one to stab Kurisu, and he acted the way he did to attempt to save her) - I've been wondering lately if some of the emotional bullshit my ex is going through is because of my actions before/during/after our breakup, and if I'm more toxic than I realize. I've had a past history of being shitty to people I once cared about, which I'm only now repairing, and I'm trying super hard to be aware of that idea. (I'm also wondering if I've self-sabotaged my chances of happiness with what I had chosen to throw away versus what I had chosen to keep.) But yeah. Hmm.
* Life moves on anyway despite Okabe's sacrifice, supported by the friends who are left, the ones that were there for Okabe since the start. - I'm still in touch with one person I've adored since...middle school? (ahaha holy shit, I am approaching Oldness, this is weird.) And repairing things with high school/Prep for Prep era folks? And well, NYC itself, and my family, which have always been part of me whether I wanted them to be or not.
* This picture is just...what depression looks like. Darkness, no motion. Nothing changing, time feeling endless. The 'mad scientist' coat on the floor being essentially equivalent to having the things that make you happy so close yet so impossible to access. I thought I left this behind. I hope I really have.
* 0kabe clearly trying to reinvent himself and his life; the new threads, the abandonment of the Lab, the attempts to make new friends. Still holding onto a few things he values - hi Mayuri - but not investing in them the way he once was. (Also: I guess I'll use 0kabe for specific-to-Steins;Gate-0 version, and Okabe for the specific-to-True-Ending one.)
* ...and questioning is this really it. Hahahaha yup.
* And then at the end, facing a shadow of what could have been, and feeling the inevitable pull, and not knowing what to do. - I've had a talk with my ex recently which is like...ugh, I don't want to go back, there's too much I've gained to go back but godDAMN do we both clearly miss the things we got from each other that we're struggling to get now. And yet. AND FUCKING YET.
Look, I want to believe that when I changed everything almost a year ago, I did the right thing for myself. I really do. Hell, my desktop background right now is actually of the divergence meter at the Steins Gate timeline - that is to say, the "best ending", the one where no one dies. And well, I'm a Kurisu fan; I'm invested in her living. But I can't help but wonder if instead of being Kurisu in the Steins Gate timeline, thriving and examining the world, I'm actually 0kabe, fumbling through because of the choices I did and didn't make, feeling a pull towards getting hurt.
PS: Alt+225 is the eszett, not Greek letter beta, and yet Alt+224 is alpha and Alt+226 is gamma. Why you do, Windows. ...And yes, I have the alt code for eszett memorized, because fußball. When I was doing more discussions of the sport on the Internet, I had the alt codes for all the umlauted vowels memorized, but I've lost that now. My legal name has an ñ (alt+164, enye) in it, too.
PPS: I haven't tested it on non-Windows computers, but when I refer to Alt+[number] codes, I mean the following:
* have a keyboard with a separate number pad
* turn Num Lock on
* hold left Alt
* press the numbers in sequence
* poof!
Again, super handy thanks to my legal name having a character not on my keyboard. There's a good list here.